There were several of Cruz's peers who knew Cruz to express hatred toward specific races or social groups. Cruz had been known to make statements such as, "I wish all the Jews were dead," or, in reference to the shooting at the Pulse nightclub, "I'm glad they killed all those gay people." Another student said he knew that Cruz did not like black people and that he wanted to shoot them. Cruz also expressed an interest in hate groups such as Nazis, Hitler, and the KKK. He was known to use phrases such as "White Power." Several people spoke of seeing swastikas drawn on his personal belongings. (MSD 2019, s. 240)

Some of these same individuals referenced Cruz's interest in the military and firearms or other weapons. Cruz was known to post photographs of him wearing gas masks and body armor while holding weapons. Several witnesses spoke of seeing Cruz's social media posts, which showed him with firearms or knives. He was also known to bring knives to school, and some witnesses saw Cruz's guns (off-campus) first-hand. One student saw Cruz looking up on a school computer how to make a nail bomb. (MSD 2019, s. 240)

Cruz told one student, "I'm so tired of everyone being mean to me, I just can't take it, I want to shoot up the school." When the student confronted Cruz about this, Cruz said he was joking. (MSD 2019, s. 241)

A small number of Cruz's peers had information about Cruz being suicidal or depressed. Cruz had shown one of his classmates scars on his arm from when he cut himself. (MSD 2019, s. 241)

Investigators determined the statements of these students to be highly credible, particularly those of the first student. (MSD 2019, s. 243)

Auvisen sähköpostikirjeenvaihdosta ilmenee, että hän on käynyt yksityisiä keskusteluja mm. väkivallan käyttämisestä ja ihannoinnista maailmalla tapahtuneiden kouluammuntatapausten yhteydessä. Auvisen keskustelukumppaneita on kaikkiaan ollut alle kymmenen, joista noin puolet kotimaassa ja muut useammassa eri maassa ulkomailla. (Keskusrikospoliisi 2007, s. 5)

Pekka-Eric Auvinen menestyi koulussa kohtuullisesti tai hyvin, ja hän valmistautui kirjoittamaan ylioppilaaksi keväällä 2008. Auvista pidettiin yleisesti melko ujona ja hiljaisena ja joidenkin mielestä muista eristäytyvänä oppilaana. Hänen tuttavapiirinsä oli hyvin suppea. Joidenkin mielestä hän erottui ulkoasullaan ja pukeutumisellaan ikäisistään. Auvinen oli joutunut myös koulukiusaamisen kohteeksi, mihin oli puututtu sekä koulun että kodin toimenpitein. (Keskusrikospoliisi 2007, s. 5)

Auvinen kärsi lievästä paniikkihäiriöstä ja esiintymispelosta, joihin hän oli saanut lääkemääräyksen. Selvitysten mukaan lääkkeiden käyttö ei kaikilta osin ollut säännöllistä. Auvisen käyttäytyminen ei kuitenkaan ulkopuolisten mukaan ollut poikkeavaa. (Keskusrikospoliisi 2007, s. 6)

Cho was referred to the school's educational screening committee because teachers believed his communication problems stemmed more from emotional issues than from language barriers. When Cho was in sixth grade, his parents bought a townhouse next to the school so he could easily commute to his classes. (Virginia Tech 2009, s. 33, alaotsikko: "Elementary school in Virginia")

The doctor diagnosed Cho with "selective mutism" and "major depression: single episode." He prescribed the antidepressant Paroxetine 20 mg, which Cho took from June 1999 to July 2000. Cho did quite well on this regimen; he seemed to be in a good mood, looked brighter, and smiled more. The doctor stopped the medication because Cho improved and no longer needed the antidepressant. (s. 35, alaotsikko: "Middle school years")

About 1 month after classes began at Westfield, one of Cho's teachers reported to the guidance office that Cho's speech was barely audible and he did not respond in complete sentences. The teacher wrote that he was not verbally interactive at all and was shy and shut down. There was practically no communication with teachers or peers. Those failings aside, teachers also praised Cho for his qualities as a student. He achieved high grades, was always on time for class, and was diligent in submitting well-done homework assignments. Other than failing to speak, he did not exhibit any other unusual behaviors and did not cause problems. When the teacher asked Cho if he would like help with communicating, he nodded yes. (Virginia Tech2009, s. 36, alaotsikko: "High school years")

Cho were concerned about his move away from home and the stress of the new environment, especially when they learned he was unhappy with his roommate. His parents visited him every weekend on Sundays during that first semester, which was a major time commitment since they both worked the other 6 days of the week. They noted that the dorm room trash can was full of beer cans (allegedly, from the interview with Cho's parents, the roommate was drinking) and the room was quite dirty. Cho, in contrast, had kept his room neat at home and had good hygiene. He requested a room change—a move that his parents and sister saw as a positive sign that he was being proactive and taking care of his own affairs. (Virginia Tech 2009, s. 40, alaotsikko: College years")

Mr. and Mrs. Cho said that he never asked for extra money and would not accept any. He was very mindful of the family's financial situation and lived frugally. He would not buy things even though his parents encouraged him occasionally to purchase new clothes or other items. (Virginia Tech 2009, s. 40, alaotsikko: College years")

Cho's sophomore year (2004–2005) brought some changes. Cho made arrangements to share the rent on a condominium with a senior at Virginia Tech who worked long hours and was rarely home. His courses that fall leaned more heavily toward science and math. His grades slipped that term. At the same time, he became enthusiastic about writing and decided he would switch his major to English beginning the fall semester of 2005. It is unclear why he made this choice as he disliked using words in school or at home. Moreover, English had not been one of his strongest subjects in high school. (Virginia Tech 2009, s. 40, alaotsikko: College years")

Cho had moved back to the dormitories that semester. He had a roommate and two suitemates who lived in another room connected by a bathroom—a typical layout in the residence halls. The panel interviewed his roommate and one suitemate who related some events from that year. They described Cho in the same way as he is described throughout this report: very quiet, short responses to questions, and rarely initiating any communication. At the beginning of the school year, the roommate and the other suitemates took Cho to several parties. He would always end up sitting in the corner by himself. One time they all went back to a female student's room. Cho took out a knife (“lock blade, not real large”) and started stabbing the carpet. They stopped taking him out with them after that incident. (Virginia Tech 2009, s. 42, alaotsikko: College years")

In the paper, Cho accused the other students in the class of eating animals, “I don't know which uncouth, low-life planet you come from but you disgust me. In fact, you all disgust me.” He made up gruesome quotes from the classmates, then wrote, “You low-life barbarians make me sick to the stomach that I wanna barf over my new shoes. If you despicable human beings who are all disgraces to [the] human race keep this up, before you know it you will turn into cannibals—eating little babies, your friends,. I hope y'all burn in hell for mass murdering and eating all those little animals.” (Virginia Tech 2009, s. 43, alaotsikko: College years")

At this point, it appears that James has schizoid personality disorder and is intermittently functioning at a psychotic level. His ability to mentalize about others' states of mind is very impaired and he may on the autism spectrum. He may be shifting insidiously into a frank psychotic disorder such as schitzoprenia, though does not have the more rapid worsening of functioning typical of most psychotic breaks. His fear/hatred of humans has markedly impaired him - though he seems very intelligent it appears he will drop out of grad school program due to his impairrd interactions. (Metzner 2013, s. 24, alaotsikko: "Past medical history")

Mr. Holmes talked about having a Plan A, which involved killing himself and a Plan B, which involved killing others add then killing himself. (Metzner 2013, s. 25, alaotsikko: "Information obtained from Jonathan Woodcock, M.D.")

In undergraduate school at University of California. Riverside. [Mr. Holmes'] fellow students reported that he often preferred to keep to himself. He engaged ia social gaterings that others in the dorm participated in but ondy after receiving much encouragemen from everyone. A fellow student described James as having a "spacing out stare" more often than she could remember. She stated that he appeared this way so much that he would look "sleepy." A former roommate stated that James was a "loner" and liked to go off by himself. He stated that James was usually quiet and did not like to socialize... (s. 44, alaotsikko: "Educational history")

After graduating frokm UC-Riverside, Mr. Holmes applied to many top tier neuroscience schools in 2009 but was rejected by all of them. (s. 44, alaotsikko: "Educational history")

Mr. Holmes struggled in all his research lab rotations. Research assistants reported that James appeared disinterested or distracted from his wvork and they stated that he had difficulty performing the processes he needed to perform for the experiments. Assistants described him as leaving the lab in the middle of experiments to go home, not following through with experiments, and lacking motivation. He did not complete the experiments that were assgned to him by the end of his rotation ... James presented information and results based on literature from the previous 20 years, rather than explaining results he received in his experiments. Dr. Klug and his lab mates described his presentation as "awkward" containing jokes that fell flat on the audience and cartoors inserted into the Powerpoint. (s. 46, alaotsikko: "Educational history")

7 June 2007: Adam, as Blarvink, makes an edit to the Wikipedia page for Newtown High School. His note (accurately) points out that he was deleting "vandalism" by a previous user, and thus he makes no actual contribution, but this edit does establish that he was closely reading the Wikipedia page for Newtown High School on this day.

Summer 2007: A note from Newtown High's school nurse's describes Adam as presenting with "“high functioning" Asperger's Syndrome and anxiety. He was described by the nurse as "bright" and not wanting to be "defective." The nurse stated that he wanted to be in school to increase his knowledge.

Fall 2007: Nancy Lanza writes to one of Adam's teachers (presumably the English teacher given the content of the email) regarding his special needs: She informed one of AL's teachers that he worried about dying, being bullied, and that he was acutely aware that he was different from other kids. She feared that any story that referenced these social issues in a way that Adam could identify with would bring on periods of insomnia and a loss of appetite. Mrs. Lanza also noted, “Another thing we might have trouble with is boy-meets-girl type [of literature]. An adapted reading list is being provided as a substitute for the standard curriculum.

5 December 2007: Westroads Mall shooting: nine dead. Two years later, Lanza will edit the Wikipedia page on this incident.

Summer 2008: Adam hosts a "LAN party" at his home for the Newtown High Tech Club. Several friends attend. All reports from these friends indicate that nothing unusual happened; most of the attendees played Warcraft 3, Nancy met several of them, there were never any firearms seen, and Adam asked other students to take off their shoes and be "respectful of the house." The party took place entirely in the basement, and none of the attendees entered the upper two floors of the house.

25 December 2008: A discussion takes place on the “Super Columbine Massacre RPG” forum that covers the topic of anarcho-primitivist philosophy, which Adam would demonstrate an obsessive interest in two years later. Although he had not yet joined the forum, he was actively reading it by this time.

2 May 2009: Lanza registers the profile Kaynbred on northeastshooters.com.

4 August 2009: Collier Township shooting: George Sodini kills three and himself with three handguns, one of which was not fired. Adam Lanza makes edits to the Wikipedia page for this shooting two days later, confirming that he had accessed Sodini's personal website, where Sodini had detailed his plans and motivations for the shooting.

30 December 2009: Lanza registers the username Smiggles at shockedbeyondbelief.com, a forum dedicated to the Columbine killers and the phenomenon of mass shootings in general.

29 March 2010: Nancy Lanza completes the purchase of a Bushmaster XM-15 .223 from Krystopher DiBella at Riverview Gun Sales in East Windsor. This is the rifle used in the Sandy Hook shooting more than two years later.

30 August 2011: Smiggles posts to the thread "moments that restore your faith in humanity," expressing his respect for the actions and writings of Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivik, as well as an interest in the Unabomber: I'm normally not interested in non-Kaczynski bombers, but the format and organization of everything involved was such an impressive instance of mass murder self-actualization that it seemed fictional. I wouldn't call it encouraging, but it seemed motivational enough in some sense that it was the kind of thing you would find in a particularly macabre selfimprovement book. Probably owing to watching too many mass murder movies, reading excerpts [of Breivik's manifesto] almost had me at the edge of my seat in anticipation . . .

11 December 2011: Smiggles posts to "Shocked Beyond Belief": I spent all day ruminating over how much I hate culture. Now I've calmed down and am left lying on the floor, numbly perplexed over the foreign concept of loving life.

25 December 2011: Smiggles posts to "Shocked Beyond Belief": I hate going through these extremely rare instances of wild mood swings that I have. I think this was the only time this year for me. I was as depressed as I get during my last post, and I'm fine with the interminable depression that I normally have, but now I'm incoherently giddy with glee. Well, relative to my baseline . . . Except now that I'm giddy, I can't really say that I hate it because I think everything is delightful. If depressives cut themselves to feel better, I wonder what cutting a happy-go-lucker would do. Santa's supposed to be jolly. I hope he visits me tonight so I can find out.

15 November 2012: An e-mail from Nancy to Peter, after Peter expresses frustration that Adam has ignored his emails for over a year: I will talk to him about that but I didn't want to harass him. He has had a bad summer and actually stopped going out. He wouldn't even go to the grocery store, so it's been pretty stressful. Yesterday was the first time in moths [sic] I've been able to talk him into going to do his own shopping and his car battery was actually dead because it sat so long. I ended up spending most of the day getting it fixed and now I am going to have to start pressuring him to go out all over again.

(Coleman 2015)

--

It also explains why there are [-- --] virtually never female spree killers compared to the amount of males that there have been. Spree shooters often are motivated by a hatred of humans in the aggregate (For various reasons, but that is entirely irrelevant) and sometimes also act in an attempt to ameliorate some lackluster philosophy which they have established in their minds, such as the two ubiqutous morons Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold. A female would not be likely to have a legimate and consummate hatred of humans in general because they would not be capable of detaching themselves from that collection while a male would likely have no compunction with it. A female would also not be willing to sacrifice something, especially their life, for what they believe to be righteous because they view nothing else mattering above themselves and espeically the comfort they would be losing; they would see themselves as being dead, and if they are dead, they believe their ideology would not matter.

(Lanza, about selfishness of women)

--

Children would not be "scarred" by their voluntary sexual experiences any more than adults in typical sexual relationships would be "scarred" unless their society shamed them into believing that they should feel guilty. The reason why a child would be mentally damaged after having consented to sexual activity is because they are socially conditioned into believing that what they did is in some ill-defined way deleterious. (Lanza 2010, private message sent by Smiggles)

Children are innately incapable of comprehending it, yet once someone attains a certain age (which varies extremely depending on the time period and location, thus demonstrating that it's absolutely meaningless), everyone is suddenly capable of it? If the nature of sexuality is fundamentally a concept to understand for all children, then it is not reasonable to assume that even a small minority of people are capable of comprehending its perplexity at 18. If an adult may engage in sexual activity because they are demonstratively capable of employing prudent rationality, then why may a child not enjoy the same right? Professing that a child is incapable of understanding the concept of consent because of the belief that adults are universally "more rational" than they are, and thus children do not deserve to control their bodies, is equivalent to claiming that females do not deserve to control their bodies because males are "more judicious in personal affairs" in relation to them, or some other such inane fatuity. It's a senseless and morally reproachful position to hold.

(Lanza 2010, private message sent by Smiggles)

The ensuing investigation by detectives sought to determine if there was anyone who conspired with, or assisted the suspect the planning phase before May 23, 2014. To accomplish this, search warrants were written for the suspect’s cell phone, email accounts, YouTube, social media profiles and Internet blogs on which he participated.124 Detectives also reviewed numerous internet postings made by the suspect where he wrote about his frustration in not being able to meet women. (Santa Barbara 2015, s. 42, alaotsikko: "Investigation to Determine Accessories/Co-conspirators")

The suspect was actively involved in communicating with others via the Internet. The suspect mostly ranted about his frustrations with women. He often wrote about his confusion as to why women weren’t attracted to him. These rants caused people to respond with mixed emotions; some responded with negative, angry comments, while others offered to help the suspect by providing him with advice on how to meet women. Other subjects voiced similar complaints and frustrations as the suspect. (Santa Barbara 2015, s. 42, alaotsikko: "Investigation to Determine Accessories/Co-conspirators")

Upon reviewing the suspect’s internet communications, there is no evidence that indicates anyone else conspired with and/or aided the suspect in committing the murders and attempted murders on May 23, 2014. (Santa Barbara 2015, s. 42, alaotsikko: "Investigation to Determine Accessories/Co-conspirators")

Two handwritten journals were recovered from the suspect’s bedroom. The first journal had entries dated April 5, 2010 to March 16, 2011. The second journal had entries dated March 31, 2011 to May 23, 2014. Several journal entries paralleled the suspect’s manifesto. (Santa Barbara 2015, s. 44, alaotsikko: "Noteworth Journal Entries")

The suspect came to believe that the only way he would obtain a girlfriend and lose his virginity was if he became wealthy. To achieve this goal, the suspect played the lottery in the hopes of winning and becoming a “young multi-millionaire.” The suspect wrote the following about what his life would be like if he won the lottery: I will be able to fully indulge in everything I’m passionate about: exotic cars, luxurious mansions, expensive clothes, and of course, sex with beautiful girls. I will drive a Maserati and a Lamborghini, and when girls see me in those cars they will all want to date me. They will finally see me as the supreme man that I’m meant to be. When I purchase a huge, beautiful mansion and take girls to it, they will be in love. I just know it! (Santa Barbara 2015, s. 44, alaotsikko: "Noteworth Journal Entries")

The suspect purchased lottery tickets on several occasions. He never won and this caused him to become more agitated. After the repeated losses, the suspect learned that the Powerball lottery jackpot was in excess of 500 million dollars. This lottery wasn’t available in California at the time, so he drove to Arizona and spent “100 dollars on tickets.”129 After finding out that he didn’t win the Powerball lottery, the suspect wrote, “all my hopes, all my dreams, SHATTERED.” On April 3, 2013, the suspect wrote that he made four trips to Arizona to play the lottery. He was defeated after losing. The suspect wrote, “revenge is all I have to live for.” (Santa Barbara 2015, s. 44, alaotsikko: "Noteworth Journal Entries")

On January 15, 2014, the suspect placed his housemate, Cheng Hong, under citizen’s arrest for allegedly stealing three candles. The candles had an estimated value of $22.00. The suspect alleged that Hong entered his (the suspect’s) room without permission and stole the candles. The suspect watched Hong place the candles in a bed under a blanket. The suspect asked Hong to return the candles, but Hong refused. The suspect called 9-1-1 to report the theft of his candles. Isla Vista Foot Patrol deputies responded to 6598 Seville Road #7. Deputies spoke with Hong, who alleged that the suspect took his (Hong’s) rice bowls and moved Hong’s property around the apartment about one month previously. The suspect denied these accusations. Deputies attempted to get Hong and the suspect to come to an agreement on their issues, but Hong refused to cooperate. Deputies found the suspect’s candles on Hong’s bed. The candles were recovered and identified by the suspect as his stolen property. (Santa Barbara 2015, s. 46, alaotsikko: "Arrest of Suspect's Roommate, Cheng Hong")

When deputies asked about the videos he was said to have posted, but which the deputies had not viewed, the suspect explained he was having trouble fitting in socially in Isla Vista. The videos were merely a way of expressing himself. There was nothing during the contact with the suspect that gave deputies reason to believe he was a danger to himself or others. Such risk factors are required in order to place someone on an involuntary mental health hold, or to legally search their residence. (Santa Barbara 2015, s. 47, alaotsikko: "Check the Welfare: April 30, 2014")

The suspect was very conscious of his appearance. He maintained a healthy diet and exercised to stay in shape. The suspect favored designer-brand clothing and accessories such as high-end sunglasses. He felt this projected image of affluence would result in women being attracted to him. (Santa Barbara 2015, s. 51, alaotsikko: "Suspect's Interests")

In 5th grade, the suspect made some friends who would come over to his house. The suspect would ride skateboards and play video games with his friends. The suspect was reported as being unresponsive in class, did not want to participate and did not engage others in conversation. He would stare off into space or at objects. The suspect was eligible for special education based on the fact that he displayed behaviors similar to Asperger’s Syndrome. The suspect was reported to have hidden behind a building at recess, regularly withdrew from group conversations, displayed perfectionistic tendencies, and other obsessive-compulsive behaviors. As an example, the suspect was reported to need all items on his desk in the just the right place. (Santa Barbara 2015, s. 51, alaotsikko: "Educational Background")

The suspect’s anxiety continued to negatively impact his ability to socialize and participate in certain school activities. Most of the suspect’s interaction with school peers was online while playing video games. This appears to have pushed him into a deeper state of depression which he tried to mitigate by playing more video games, namely, World of Warcraft. (Santa Barbara 2015, s. 51, alaotsikko: "Educational Background")

During a therapy session in 2013, the suspect reported that he was bullied in high school. The bullying occurred in 9th grade when he attended an all-male “private Catholic” high school. The suspect then attended a “public school” for one week, but was also bullied at this school. The suspect wanted to be home schooled because he had been bullied. (Santa Barbara 2015, s. 51, alaotsikko: "Educational Background")

The suspect would hold his ears when he heard loud noise. He displayed some repetitive behaviors such as making noises, tapping his feet or leg, and perseverating on his responses (such as repeating the words “great” and “cool”). The suspect was believed to display characteristics of high functioning autism or Asperger’s syndrome. The suspect received mental health treatment throughout his adolescence and up until his death. (Santa Barbara 2015, s. 52, alaotsikko: "Mental Health Background")

The suspect believed menial or entry-level jobs were beneath him. Peter tried to explain the significance of an entry-level job and how it was important to start at a basic level so one could work their way up into a better position. The suspect still refused to seek out an entry-level job. (Santa Barbara 2015, s. 54, alaotsikko: "Employment Background")

The suspect’s financial history shows that his planning for this tragedy, with respect to purchasing weapons, started in December of 2012. The purchase of the Glock 34 pistol on December 4, 2012 can be considered his first overt act in furtherance in the planning of the mass murder. The suspect’s financial records also show his increased spending in firearms-related materials and shooting practice in the months leading up to May 23, 2014.171 This activity indicates the suspect was “ramping up” in the planning and rehearsing stages prior to committing the crimes on May 23, 2014. (Santa Barbara 2015, s. 54, alaotsikko: "Suspect's Finances")

Everything my father taught me was proven wrong. He raised me to be a polite, kind gentleman. In a decent world, that would be ideal. But the polite, kind gentleman doesn’t win in the real world. The girls don’t flock to the gentlemen. They flock to the alpha male. They flock to the boys who appear to have the most power and status. And it was a ruthless struggle to reach such a height. It was too much for me to handle. I was still a little boy with a fragile mind. Thinking about such things would only crush my innocence, and it eventually will. But not at this point. I subconsciously wanted to enjoy my childhood as much as I could, so I tried not to think about this new revelation and enjoy life in the moment. I put it all aside, to be pondered over later. (Rodger, s. 28, alaotsikko: "11 Years old")

Skateboarding, I was able to do… dressing well, that was simple… But attracting attention from girls? How in the blazes was I going to do that? I didn’t even understand what was so special about it either, but everyone seemed to place so much importance on it. This made me even more shy, and I became known as the “shy new kid.” (Rodger, s. 28, alaotsikko: "11 Years old")

Inevitably, I started to become known to the girls of my school; and surprisingly, they treated me quite well. It was a huge relief. Middle School would be the last time in my life where I wouldn’t be completely invisible to girls. All of the pretty girls had a peculiar habit of hugging boys they knew as a form of greeting, and some of them hugged me. I didn’t understand why, but it felt like the best feeling ever. I was one hundred-times more satisfied from getting a hug from a pretty girl than getting a high five from a popular boy. It was a new experience that enraptured every fiber of my being. (Rodger, s. 28, alaotsikko: "11 Years old")

At this camp, an incident happened that would scar me for life. The first time that I was treated badly by a girl occurred at this camp. I was innocently playing with the friends I made, and they were tickling me, something people always did because I was very ticklish. I accidently bumped into a pretty girl the same age as me, and she got very angry. She cursed at me and pushed me, embarrassing me in front of my friends. I didn’t know who this girl was… She was only at Pinecrest for summer camp… But she was very pretty, and she was taller than me. I immediately froze up and went into a state of shock. One of my friends asked me if I was ok, and I didn’t answer. I remained very quiet for the rest of the day. I couldn’t believe what had happened. Cruel treatment from women is ten times worse than from men. It made me feel like an insignificant, unworthy little mouse. I felt so small and vulnerable. I couldn’t believe that this girl was so horrible to me, and I thought that it was because she viewed me as a loser. That was the first experience of female cruelty I endured, and it traumatized me to no end. It made me even more nervous around girls, and I would be extremely weary and cautious of them from that point on. (Rodger, s. 32, alaotsikko: "11 Years old")

John Jo and Charlie started to come over every Friday. This would soon become a tradition. Fridays were always my favorite time of the week, and this tradition made me always look forward to Fridays with intense eagerness. They would be dropped off by their parents shortly after school time, and then we would all walk to Planet Cyber and play games for hours. After a few of these Friday sleepovers, Charlie introduced me to his friend Elijah. Elijah was temporarily staying at Charlie’s house, and the two of them were like brothers. I immediately took a great liking to Elijah, and we became instant friends. He helped me beat some of the hardest levels of Halo. Elijah would then come over with Charlie and John Jo, and the four of us became a close group of friends. This was the only true social group I would ever have, and I had a great time with them. (Rodger, s. 34, alaotsikko: "12 Years old")

Soon enough, the movie theatres would turn from a place of joy to a place of dread. Once puberty arrives, I would start getting jealous of all the young couples or groups of boys and girls who go to the movies together. (Rodger, s. 35, alaotsikko: "12 Years old")

Things were getting more intense every year we grew older, and I didn’t want to grow up. I wanted to live the life I was comfortable with. I wanted to live in a world of fairness, and I tried not to accept that it would soon come to an end. (Rodger, s. 38, alaotsikko: "13 Years old")

Now that I was able to play World of Warcraft at my mother’s house with no limitations, aside from school and homework, I became very addicted to the game and my character in it. It was all I cared about. I was so immersed in the game that I no longer cared about what people thought of me. I only saw school as something that took time away from WoW. I became very bored at school, mainly due to the fact that I was still the invisible quiet kid. To alleviate this boredom, I started to act weird and annoying to people just to gain attention. I became known as the “weird kid” at Pinecrest, and people started to make fun of me, but I didn’t care. I had my online games to distract me from the harsh realities of life that I was too scared to face. The only time I did care was when a group of popular Seventh Grade girls started teasing me, which hurt a lot. One of these girls was Monette Moio, a pretty blonde girl who was Ashton’s younger sister. She must have thought I was an ultimate loser. I hated her so much, and I will never forget her. I started to hate all girls because of this. I saw them as mean, cruel, and heartless creatures that took pleasure from my suffering. (Rodger, s. 41, alaotsikko: "Stuck in the void – Age 13-17")

On the first day me and my sister met them, and I believe it was on that Easter Sunday, we played with them splendidly in their backyard. But soon, after they came over a few more times, I began to have uneasy feelings of nervousness and fear around the two girls, mainly because I thought all girls hated me. The way I was treated by girls at my school played a big part in my resentment towards all of them during this time. This resentment would only grow larger the more I am treated unfairly by the female gender. (Rodger, s. 42, alaotsikko: "Stuck in the void – Age 13-17")

As middle school approached its ultimate end, I was having a miserable time there. I was extremely unpopular, widely disliked, and viewed as the weirdest kid in the school. I had to act weird in order to gain attention. I was tired of being the invisible shy kid. Infamy is better than total obscurity. (Rodger, s. 42, alaotsikko: "Stuck in the void – Age 13-17")

The world that I grew up thinking was bright and blissful was all over. I was living in a depraved world, and I didn’t want to accept it. I didn’t want to give any thought to it. That is why I immersed myself entirely into my online games like World of Warcraft. I felt safe there. I was so obsessed with playing WoW that I never gave much serious thought to the fact that I would have to go to High School soon. As the end of middle school neared, the prospect started to loom over me more and more. At one moment I pictured what my life in high school would be like, based on how things have been for me in middle school. It was not a bright picture. I didn’t want to have to deal with the cruelty of girls in high school, and I imagined that it would be much worse than anything I’ve ever experienced.I begged my parents to send me to Crespi Carmelite High School, a catholic all-boys school. Father took me there for a tour, and it didn’t look so bad. It was a very prestigious private school. At least I wouldn’t have to deal with any fear of girls there. (Rodger, s. 42-43, alaotsikko: "Stuck in the void – Age 13-17")

My life at Crespi got even worse. Alfred and Brice apparently told everyone how weird I was at Pinecrest, and people in my own grade started to tease me. They found out that I didn’t like being called a skateboarder, and it was true. Because I failed to become good at skateboarding, I developed a hatred for the sport, and whenever someone called me a skateboarder, it reminded me of my failure and I got very angry. The whole school started calling me it just to anger me, along with other insulting names. They teased me because I was scared of girls, calling me names like “faggot”. People also liked to steal my belongings and run away in an attempt to get me to chase after them. And I did chase after them in a furious rage, but I was so little and weak that they thought it was comical. I hated everyone at that school so much. (Rodger, s. 46, alaotsikko: "14 Years old")

Some boys randomly pushed me against the lockers as they walked past me in the hall. One boy who was tall and had blonde hair called me a “loser”, right in front of his girlfriends. Yes, he had girls with him. Pretty girls. And they didn’t seem to mind that he was such an evil bastard. In fact, I bet they liked him for it. This is how girls are, and I was starting to realize it. This was what truly opened my eyes to how brutal the world is. The most meanest and depraved of men come out on top, and women flock to these men. Their evil acts are rewarded by women; while the good, decent men are laughed at. (Rodger, s. 48, alaotsikko: "15 Years old")

Instead of taking me to school, we went to the café at Gelson’s in Calabasas where we had a big talk. I tried to explain how much I was suffering there. She just could not take me to school after that. When we were finished with Gelsons’s, she drove me to my father’s house and told him about what happened. They agreed to take me out of Taft. (Rodger, s. 49, alaotsikko: "15 Years old")

My father’s career as a commercial director hadn’t been as successful as it was a couple years before. He foolishly decided to invest all of his money in his first feature film, a documentary named “Oh My God”. In the film, he would interview various people about their opinions on religion and God. To make it, he took off to travel all over the world for a few months. [-- --] I was hopeful about father’s movie, however. He kept talking about how he will become very rich from it, and I fostered a hope that he would become rich. How naïve I was… the movie would only bankrupt him in the future. (Rodger, s. 49, alaotsikko: "15 Years old")

I had heated conflicts with Soumaya during every week that I was at father’s house. All I wanted to do was play WoW, and Soumaya strictly limited my playtime. Because my new room was just across from hers, she knew what I was doing at every single second. She was breathing down my neck the whole time. She kept making me do chores around the house. I despised doing work around the house, especially since we had a nanny who was supposed to do it. If I made a scene about doing the work, she took away my laptop for a day or two. This was the most horrible thing she could do to me, to take away my only source of joy left in the world. She sometimes did it even when father was at home, and father didn’t lift a finger to stop her. (Rodger, s. 50, alaotsikko: "15 Years old")

Father suffered through a deep financial setback because of his movie. Could things get any worse for me? As a result, my father abruptly cut off all of the child-support payments he was paying my mother. My mother was forced to find a better-paying job to make up for it, and she had to move out of her house to a condominium close by. (Rodger, s. 52, alaotsikko: "16 Years old")

I missed mother living in an actual house, but at least the new place was a condominium, with more luxuries than the apartment we once lived in. The condominium had three bedrooms, and my room had its own bathroom. The bad part about this condominium was its location in Canoga Park, a lower-class area. I hated telling people that my mother lived in Canoga Park. It was highly embarrassing for me. But alas, in that lonely and depressing stage of my life, there was no one really to tell, and I barely cared about what people thought of me anyway. (Rodger, s. 52, alaotsikko: "16 Years old")

An exchange student from France moved into my father’s house. His name was Max Bonon, a cultured, outgoing nineteen-year-old French guy. His parents are very wealthy hotel owners, and he would be staying with us for a few months while he studies English at Pierce College. At first, I wasn’t so sure about having this young person lurking about, but we soon developed a good friendship. He always invited me to play cards with him after dinner, and though Soumaya didn’t let me drink alcohol, he would always sneak me a beer. It was really nice to have that regular social interaction. (Rodger, s. 52, alaotsikko: "16 Years old")

Max introduced me to his life in France. I met with some of his friends and we went to bars together. In France, the legal drinking age is 16, so I was able to drink alcohol at a bar. It was astounding! For those three weeks, I had the faintest taste of what life was like for normal young people. The experience of hanging out with a group of young people, boys and girls, and enjoying life was something I never did before. It really turned my whole world around, for that short amount of time. So this is what everyone else gets to experience, I thought to myself with jealousy. I felt a sense of happiness and bliss that I hadn’t felt since childhood, when life was good. (Rodger, s. 55, alaotsikko: "17 Years old")

After three weeks in France doing exciting social things, I returned to my lonely life in the U.S., where I became even more depressed than I was in the beginning of summer, especially after getting a taste of what life was truly like for normal people. I knew I could never live such a pleasurable life, and the knowledge haunted me. (Rodger, s. 55, alaotsikko: "17 Years old")

James, Steve, and Mark were the closest thing I had to a group of friends. I played with them online almost every day. We had so many adventures in WoW as a group, and yet… I felt like the outcast of the group. Steve and Mark only considered me an online friend, never a real friend. I found out that the three of them had WoW meet-ups at one of their houses a lot, and they never invited me. Sometimes, when I would be playing with them online, I would find out that they were all together in real life, and I was the only one left out. Whenever they did this, I acted bitter towards them through the game, but they didn’t even care. Even in the World of Warcraft, I was an outcast, alone and unwanted. (Rodger, s. 56, alaotsikko: "17 Years old")

The more lonely I felt, the more angry I became. The anger slowly built up inside me throughout all of the dark years. Even after the release of the new WoW expansion, I noticed that the game’s ability to alleviate my sense of loneliness was starting to fade. I began to feel lonely even while playing it, and I often broke down into tears in the middle of my WoW sessions. I began to ask myself what the point was in playing this game anymore. I spent less and less time playing it. (Rodger, s. 56, alaotsikko: "17 Years old")

My father’s movie was released, but it did not do well at all. He was only able to get it released in a few select theatres, and no one was interested in seeing it. He stupidly invested all of his money into the movie, and he got absolutely nothing out of it. This caused him to fall into a financial crisis that he will be stuck in for a long time. I was annoyed that he kept having to make it clear to us that he was now in a “financial crisis”. He talked about it all the time, and it was embarrassing. (Rodger, s. 57, alaotsikko: "17 Years old")

My whole world twisted even deeper into darkness and despair as my depressing life continued on. My hatred for people who have sex festered inside me like a plague. I frequently went on walks around town to brood over how hopeless and unfair everything was. It was better than being stuck in my room all the time. When I saw young couples walking around at the mall, my anger and hatred intensified greatly. It was the worst torture ever to see them making out and being intimate. My life, if you can call it a life, was living hell. (Rodger, s. 57, alaotsikko: "17 Years old")

Soumaya returned from Morocco, and she was very angry with me due to the way I acted while I was there. She effectively kicked me out of father’s house, and because I was eighteen, she was allowed to. Father didn’t do anything to stop her, being the weak man that he is. This is how it has always been. Father has always given Soumaya free reign to impose her rules on the household. He gave her all the power. This act officially ended the one week-one week arrangement, and mother’s house became my permanent living place. (Rodger, s. 62, alaotsikko: "18 Years old")

Every day, I tried to make some effort to go out looking for ways to improve my life. I felt that staying in my room was a waste of time. I knew what I wanted, but I had no idea how to get it. I frequently went on walks around my mother’s neighborhood in the desperate hope that someone would befriend me or a girl would talk to me. Nothing of the sort ever happened. (Rodger, s. 62, alaotsikko: "18 Years old")

Soumaya’s grudge against me lessened after a couple of months, and she allowed me to go to father’s house for dinner occasionally. I was very angry with father, but I hid my anger. I still needed him. Father began teaching me how to drive once I received my driver’s permit, which was quite hard to get. I had to take a written test with many questions, and I failed it on my first try. On the second attempt, I managed to pass. (Rodger, s. 63, alaotsikko: "18 Years old")

I began a daily routine of walking to Barnes & Noble in Calabasas every day, where I would spend hours reading books that ranged from biographies of powerful leaders, histories of significant periods, self-help books, philosophy and psychology texts, and historical fiction novels. I sometimes even spent entire days there, from the time it opened to the time it closed. (Rodger, s. 65, alaotsikko: "18 Years old")

I spent the next couple of weeks focusing on writing for myself instead of working on my schoolwork. The class didn’t give much homework to do anyway. I wrote summaries for three different stories, and I think I showed two of them to my mother. She seemed to think that they would make good movies, and that increased my confidence. I either wanted to write a novel first, or go straight to making it a screenplay. (Rodger, s. 70, alaotsikko: "18 Years old")

My faith that I could write an epic story that would make me rich soon collapsed. I read so many articles online of the chances that a screenplay would be made into a movie. I also saw that most writers of even the highest budget films didn’t make as much as I thought they did… Definitely not enough to live on for the rest of their life. I also thought, with a lot of despair, of the time that it would take to achieve such a goal. Most bestselling authors or screenwriters didn’t become millionaires until they were well into their forties or fifties. (Rodger, s. 70, alaotsikko: "18 Years old")

I excused myself as soon as I finished eating, and boy did I stuff myself on that meal. I then walked outside onto the beach. The wine had long since gone to my head, making me feel a sense of dizzy invigoration. I started walking along the shore, taking in the magnificence of the gentle, moonlit ocean. It was so… romantic. I kept walking and walking with no destination in mind. The romance of it all filled me with despair and longing. I wanted a girlfriend to experience that moment with me, but no girl wanted to be my girlfriend. The only thing I could do was imagine how heavenly it would be to have a beautiful girl by my side. It is such a shameful tragedy. I ended up walking for two hours, and at the end of it I was crying to myself because I felt so sad. (Rodger, s. 76, alaotsikko: "19 Years old")

My mother proposed the plan to father, and father became very enthusiastic about it. We laid down the groundwork right then and there. Father was still suffering from his financial crisis, but he agreed to pay for my tuition and contribute five hundred dollars a month towards my living expenses, while my mother would pay for my apartment rent and continue to provide me with the car. I was to do one more semester at Moorpark for the time being, and then transfer to Santa Barbara City College in the summer. This was a very astonishing turn of events. I didn’t expect this, and I had no idea how to react. I was completely dumbfounded. I thought it was just going to be a casual dinner meeting where we would simply talk about my life, and we ended up making plans to drastically change my life. (Rodger, s. 77, alaotsikko: "19 Years old")

I was registered to take three classes for the Spring semester at Moorpark. The first was an early morning history class, followed by sociology and then psychology. They were all just as disastrous as I expected them to be. I had to drop the sociology class right on the first day, because there was this extremely hot blonde girl who took the class with her brute of a boyfriend. I couldn’t stand looking at them sitting together. I left the class mid-session because I couldn’t take it anymore. (Rodger, s. 78, alaotsikko: "19 Years old")

My mother and I found two apartment complexes in Isla Vista that I could potentially move into. I went with my mother and father on a day trip to Santa Barbara to take a look at them. We first had lunch at a restaurant on Cliff Drive, and while there I admired how beautiful Santa Barbara truly was. I found it to be like a mixture of Malibu and Santa Monica, depending on what part of it I was in. I was astounded when we toured through Isla Vista. It was a whole town of college students living together, right next to UCSB, and right next to the beach. (Rodger, s. 82, alaotsikko: "19 Years old")

My mother was very adamant that I move on that particular date. She said it was because she wanted me to go there and settle in before college started, but I knew the real reason. She always wanted me out of her house because she hated having to deal with me. The Santa Barbara plan would free her of me, and she wanted that so badly that she was willing to pay $900 a month for my apartment room rent. Basically, she was paying money to get rid of me. I realized that once I moved out, there was no going back. It will set a precedent, and the threshold will be crossed. My mother will never welcome me back to live with her permanently ever again. (Rodger, s. 82, alaotsikko: "19 Years old")

The move to Santa Barbara is the endgame, the ultimate climax of everything. I saw it as a new chance that was given to me to finally have the things I want in life: love, sex, friends, fun, acceptance, a sense of belonging. But I could never forgive the world for denying me such things in the past. I was already turning twenty soon. I had already lost many years of my life. I deserve better than that. I am an intelligent gentleman, and I deserve the love of girls more than the other obnoxious boys of my age, and yet they get girls and I don’t. (Rodger, s. 82, alaotsikko: "19 Years old")

When I reached the classroom, I saw some pretty girls waiting outside. My new classmates, I thought with excitement. I was a bit dismayed that they didn’t pay any attention to me. They didn’t even look at me. I was sure I had an attractive appearance that day, but those girls didn’t seem to notice it. Perhaps I was deluding myself. As all of the students started pouring in, a group of typical popular-type boys sat near me. Their overly social and obnoxious personalities offended me, and I felt like getting up and leaving. They somehow knew all of the pretty girls in the class, and it broke my heart to watch them chat up the girls. How could I compete with those popular kids? (Rodger, s. 85, alaotsikko: "Santa Barbara: Endgame – Age 19-22")

After I left the campus I drove around downtown Santa Barbara to explore new areas. I went up and down State Street, the main common area of the city where everyone frequents. Countless restaurants and shops lined a magnificently designed street with wide walkways. It was absolutely beautiful… a true paradise, for those who were thriving there. I can only imagine how heavenly it would be to walk with a beautiful girlfriend down that street. My life would be complete if I get to do that. It would be the epitome of gratifying perfection. (Rodger, s. 85, alaotsikko: "Santa Barbara: Endgame – Age 19-22")

Ever since I was seventeen, I often fantasized about becoming powerful and inflicting suffering upon everyone who has wronged me in the past, but I never thought I would actually do it. At this point, after going through so much suffering and injustice, all of my innocence had been swept away. The world had been cruel to me, and it molded me to become strong enough to actually have the capability of returning that cruelness to the world. I had never been a violent person in nature, but after building up so much hatred over the years, I realized that I wouldn’t hesitate to kill or even torture my hated enemies if I was given the opportunity. (Rodger, s. 87, alaotsikko: "Santa Barbara: Endgame – Age 19-22")

My new housemates were meant to move into the second bedroom of my apartment on August 5th. I had an anxious feeling of anticipation for what they will be like. August 5th came quickly, and I prepared myself to be in a pleasant mood to meet them. Their names were Ryan and Angel, and to my dismay they were of Hispanic race. In addition, the two of them were already friends with each other, which meant that they could possibly gang up against me if any conflicts were to arise. They also seemed like rowdy, low-class types. My first impression of them soured me, but I tried to be pleasant and not show it. The two of them acted cordial to me on the first day, but after observing them for a bit, I had a bad feeling that they would be trouble to live with… (Rodger, s. 89, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

On the day after, I almost got into a physical fight with Angel. The ugly pig kept acting as if girls thought he was more attractive than me. Hah! I am a beautiful, magnificent gentleman and he is a lowclass, pig-faced thug. I had enough of his cocksure attitude, and I started to call him exactly what he was. I tried to insult him as much as I could, telling him how superior I am to him, and saying that he was lowclass. He tried to attack me, but Ryan, being the more mellow of the two, held him back. (Rodger, s. 90, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

My mother agreed that I needed to get out of there, so I went to the leasing office and explained to the manager everything that happened. He told me that there was another room available for me to transfer to, but it would cost one hundred more dollars a month, because it was a larger two bedroom unit and I would only be sharing it with one housemate, who would occupy the other room. (Rodger, s. 90, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

To help get through the month, my mother let me come home every weekend until I was able to transfer to the new apartment. I would only stay in Santa Barbara during the weekdays, but on those weekdays Angel and Ryan went out of their way to make my life a living hell. Every time they went out they kept yelling to me how they’re going to sleep with hot girls that night. I knew they were just lying to make me jealous. They always made fun of me for being a virgin. At night, they frequently made noise to wake me up. I was literally being bullied, and it was truly horrific. (Rodger, s. 90, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

The loneliness was torturing me so intensely that I even started up my WoW account and played the game constantly for the month of September. James still played WoW, and the two of us played together online for a few days, but he treated me very coldly the whole time. I could tell that the kind of friendship we had for so many years no longer existed. (Rodger, s. 93, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

My new housemate arrived in the middle of September. His name was Spencer Horowitz; a short, chubby UCSB student who was about a year older than me. He seemed like a friendly, mature sort of person; definitely a pleasant contrast from the housemates I had to suffer through in the previous month. I didn’t expect to have any problems with him. [-- --] After a few weeks of living with him, I realized that I had a psychological problem with his presence in my apartment. Even though there was no trouble between us, I hated having someone constantly in my vicinity to judge how pathetic my life was. (Rodger, s. 93, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

My mother gave me a few more gift cards to Nordstrom, and I spent them on $200 dollar designer Jeans. When I wore these to school, I saw that I was wearing better Jeans than most other guys, and that made me have a slightly higher sense of self-worth. I also bought a few more shirts, and a pair of new Hugo Boss sneakers. Doing this started a new obsession for me. I became more and more obsessed with my appearance. Because my mother, father, and grandmother constantly paid me extra money now that I was living in Santa Barbara, I had saved up enough to indulge in this obsession. Familiarizing myself with all of the top designer brands, I bought new clothes every time I visited my hometown. My favorite brands were Hugo Boss and Armani. I always stopped by at the Camarillo shopping center on my way back to Santa Barbara. I loved it there – they had a store for almost every brand. (Rodger, s. 94-95, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

Before the trip was over, we all went on a tour through London. We were supposed to visit grandma Jinx in Smarden on that same day, but grandma Jinx was in France at the time. We rented a comfortable Mercedes van that could fit eight people and made a long drive through the English countryside to the capital city of London. I didn’t remember much of the city from my previous visits, so it was kind of like a new experience for me. I found the city to be very ugly in most areas, but in contrast there were some attractive parts that were awash with beautiful architecture and a cultural atmosphere. [-- --] When we had dinner at a

restaurant, I scoffed a big meal and imbibed two glasses of wine to make myself feel better during the rest of our tour. My favorite part was walking through the store Harrods. Harrods is a gigantic, renowned luxury designer clothing store. Every facet of it exuded beauty and excessive opulence. It was my type of place. I wished I was rich enough to buy anything I wanted at the store – there were so many choices of fabulous clothing – but alas, I had to settle with buying only one Giorgio Armani shirt. (Rodger, s. 97, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

I arrived back in Santa Barbara with a renewed, carefully constructed sense of confidence, especially because of the new collection of designer clothes I had bought over the winter break. I tried to adopt a sophisticated and suave persona, and made my accent sound more eloquent. I did this out of the hope that girls would find something attractive about it. It was the only persona that truly fit me. I was incapable of being an outgoing, boisterous jock, and I didn’t want to be one. I was disgusted by such people, and I was disgusted at how girls were attracted to such filth. I wanted them to be attracted to me. That is how it should be, and I deserved it. (Rodger, s. 99, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

In the beginning of February, my Spring semester at Santa Barbara City College began. The classes I registered for were Sociology, Math, Film Studies, and English. My English class was an online class, but the other three were normal classes that I attended at the college. Sociology and math were on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and my film class was on Friday mornings. It made for a convenient setup. This was the last chance. I had already failed to change my life in the last semester. I must not fail again. I remembered how hard it was to keep up those two classes in the Autumn. The people in them made me feel so miserable. I knew that if the same thing happens in the coming semester, I would end up dropping all of my classes, and if that happened, all of my hope would be doomed. (Rodger, s. 99, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

As I made my way back from school one day during the first week, I was stopped at a stoplight in Isla Vista when I saw two hot blonde girls waiting at the bus stop. I was dressed in one of my nice shirts, so I looked at them and smiled. They looked at me, but they didn’t even deign to smile back. They just looked away as if I was a fool. As I drove away I became very infuriated. It was such an insult. This was the way all girls treated me, and I was sick and tired of it. In a rage, I made a U-turn, pulled up to their bus stop and splashed my Starbucks latte all over them. I felt a feeling a spiteful satisfaction as I saw it stain their jeans. I then quickly speeded away before they could catch my license plate number. How dare those girls snub me in such a fashion! How dare they insult me so! I raged to myself repeatedly. They deserved the punishment I gave them. It was such a pity that my latte wasn’t hot enough to burn them. Those girls deserved to be dumped in boiling water for the crime of not giving me the attention and adoration I so rightfully deserve! (Rodger, s. 100, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

Ever since my life took a very dark turn at the age of seventeen, I often had fantasies of how malevolently satisfying it would be to punish all of the popular kids and young couples for the crime of having a better life than me. I dreamed of how sweet it would be to torture or kill every single young couple I saw. However, as I said previously in this story, I never thought I would actually go through with these drastic desires. I had hope inside me that I could one day have a happy life. (Rodger, s. 101, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

It was only when I first moved to Santa Barbara that I started considering the possibility of having to carry out a violent act of revenge, as the final solution to dealing with all of the injustices I’ve had to face at the hands of women and society. I came up with a name for this after I saw all of the good looking young couples walking around my college and in the town of Isla Vista. I named it the Day of Retribution. It would be a day in which I exact my ultimate retribution and revenge on all of the hedonistic scum who enjoyed lives of pleasure that they don’t deserve. If I can’t have it, I will destroy it. I will destroy all women because I can never have them. I will make them all suffer for rejecting me. I will arm myself with deadly weapons and wage a war against all women and the men they are attracted to. And I will slaughter them like the animals they are. If they won’t accept me among them, then they are my enemies. They showed me no mercy, and in turn I will show them no mercy. The prospect will be so sweet, and justice will ultimately be served. (Rodger, s. 101, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

The invitation to the private Katy Perry concert was actually meant for Rob Lemelson, as the concert was held for extremely wealthy people who were clients of Net Jets, a private jet company. Rob had no interest in such things, so he gave the tickets to my mother. [-- --] If only my damnable mother had married into wealth instead of being selfish. If only my failure of a father had made better decisions with his directing career instead wasting his money on that stupid documentary. I couldn’t help but feel a bitter form of envy at all of the rich kids at the concert. They grew up in lavish mansions, indulged in excessive opulence, and will never have to worry about anything in their pleasurable, hedonistic lives. (Rodger, s. 102, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

The red carpet premiere of the Hunger Games was an even more exclusive event. The reason we got in was because my father was friends with the director, Gary Ross. My father even contributed to the film as a second unit director. Gary Ross had been coming over to father’s house for dinner quite frequently in the past few months. When he told me about the Hunger Games, I had never heard about it before, so I decided to read the books that the movie would be based on. It was quite an enjoyable story and I became a fan. (Rodger, s. 102, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

For the next week or so, I spent time meditating in my room, trying to come up with ways to get rich. I could either invent something, start a great business idea, or go back to my original idea I had of writing an epic fantasy story that could be made into a movie. That reminded me of the reason why I gave up on that idea in the first place… the amount of time it would take to achieve success from such a prospect. I was so desperate and I needed to do something right there and then. It was a matter of life and death. If I couldn’t make it, then I had nothing to live for. After a lot of deep thinking, I couldn’t come up with anything. Was I doomed to fail at everything? I began to feel hopeless, until I saw the current jackpot for the Megemillions Lottery. It was rising very high in the month of March. I had saved up a lot of money at the time, so I had enough to spare on lottery tickets, so long as I didn’t go under $5000 dollars, which I wanted to keep as my minimum amount of savings just in case of an emergency, or in case I would have to carry out the Day of Retribution. As it so happened, I had well over $6000 saved up at the time, from all of the allowance, Christmas money, and birthday money that my parents and grandmothers had been sending me. For the first time since moving to Santa Barbara, I began to take a serious interest in playing the Lottery again. (Rodger, s. 104, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

As the jackpot reached over $200 Million, I spent more of my saved money on lottery tickets, but I still didn’t win. I knew that the more I spent on tickets, the higher chance I had of winning. I was so desperate to live a satisfying life that I spent $400 dollars on tickets when the jackpot hit $290 Million. When I failed to win that, I spent $500 dollars on tickets when it reached $363 million, and I still didn’t win it on that one… And then the jackpot reached a number that I never imagined it would… $656 Million. I was astounded and filled with a feverish enthusiasm of hope and desire. This was the highest lottery jackpot in history. I knew I was always destined for great things. This must be it! I was destined to be the winner of the highest lottery jackpot in existence. I knew right then and there that this jackpot was meant for me. Who else deserved such a victory? I had been through so much rejection, suffering, and injustice in my life, and this was to be my salvation. With my whole body filled with feverish hope, I spent $700 dollars on lottery tickets for this drawing. As I spent this money, I imagined all the amazing sex I would have with a beautiful model girlfriend I would have once I become a man of wealth. (Rodger, s. 104, alaotsikko: "20 Years old")

I had to wait a few hours for them to prepare the laptop for me, and while I waited I decided to go to the shooting range in Oxnard. I had the knowledge, in the back of my mind, that the Day of Retribution was very possible now. Going to the shooting range while I waited for my laptop gave me the perfect opportunity to gain some initial training in shooting guns, which will be the main weapons I use as vengeance against my enemies when the Day of Retribution ultimately comes to pass. I walked into the range, rented a handgun from the ugly old redneck cashier, and started to practice shooting at paper targets. (Rodger, s. 109, alaotsikko: "21 Years old")

My new housemates moved into the other room of my apartment at the end of September. They didn’t know each other before they moved in, which was better for me because then they wouldn’t gang up on me. Not like they would do such a thing anyway, since my two new housemates were both timid, geeky types. One of them was a funny-looking curly haired boy named Chris Rugg, and the other was an Asian American named Jon. After the first few days of their stay, I felt content with these new housemates. They were quiet, respectful, and very friendly. And best of all, they never invited any friends over. (Rodger, s. 109, alaotsikko: "21 Years old")

During the Autumn of 2012, I had all the time in the world to figure out how I was going to triumph against the society that was torturing me. I spent a lot of time at the library in Goleta, just a few miles away from Isla Vista. At the library, I read countless books on history, business, and philosophy, learning as much as I could. It was better than staying at home in my room. Besides, I didn’t want my housemates to find out that I wasn’t going to college. That would be embarrassing, and I always cared about what others thought about me, even my nerdy housemates. (Rodger, s. 110, alaotsikko: "21 Years old")

My situation was indeed horrible. I couldn’t leave the house without seeing a young couple walking around somewhere. Everywhere I went, I was all by myself, while other young people had friends and girlfriends. I was ashamed to show myself to the world. Even though I wore expensive designer clothes, what was the point if girl’s still weren’t attracted to me? No one respects a man who is unable to get a woman. A man wearing shorts and a T-shirt would be seen as superior to me if he walks into a store with a beautiful girl on his arm and I walk in all alone. A man having a beautiful girl by his side shows the world that he is worth something, because obviously that beautiful girl sees some sort of worth in him. (Rodger, s. 110, alaotsikko: "21 Years old")

My first act of preparation was the purchase my first handgun. I did this quickly and hastily, at a local gun shop called Goleta Gun and Supply. I had already done some research on handguns, and I decided to purchase the Glock 34 semiautomatic pistol, an efficient and highly accurate weapon. I signed all of the papers and was told that my pickup day was in mid-December. That fell in nicely, because that was when I was planning on staying in Santa Barbara till. After I picked up the handgun, I brought it back to my room and felt a new sense of power. I was now armed. Who’s the alpha male now, bitches? I thought to myself, regarding all of the girls who’ve looked down on me in the past. I quickly admired my new weapon before locking it up in my safe and preparing to go back to my hometown for the winter break. (Rodger, s. 113, alaotsikko: "21 Years old")

A few days before Christmas, I took off with my mother and sister for another vacation in England. She had called me a month previously to tell me about it. At first, I didn’t want to go, knowing that I will feel miserable about going on a vacation without a girlfriend to experience it with me, along with the shame of having to once again appear to my relatives in a fashion that I was unsatisfied with. A year had passed since the last trip, and I was in exactly the same position in life. I had nothing for my grandmothers to be proud of. No girlfriend, no future prospects, no life at all to talk about. The one thing that persuaded me to go was the fact that my mother planned to have us travel on Virgin Atlantic Upper Class, the highest form of travel the airline offers. I hadn’t traveled First Class for a long time, and I just couldn’t refuse such an offer. I have always had a penchant for luxury, opulence, and prestige; and traveling on Virgin Atlantic Upper Class would give me that experience, if only for a short time. After all of the anguish I had been through, I figured I needed a sense of respite by going on this luxurious vacation. For just this one brief period of my life, since I speculated that my life could very well be ending soon, I decided to try my best to forget about everything and indulge myself in every way I could on this trip to England. (Rodger, s. 113, alaotsikko: "21 Years old")

During this Spring of 2013, I began to seriously think about planning the Day of Retribution. My next step towards planning for it was to buy my second handgun, a Sig Sauer P226. It is of a much higher quality than the Glock, and a lot more efficient. In turn, it was also a lot more expensive. My Glock 34 was around $700 dollars, whereas my new Sig Sauer P226 was $1100. (Rodger, s. 115, alaotsikko: "21 Years old")

For the last months of Spring, I went home a lot because the loneliness in Santa Barbara was too stifling. Going home to visit my parents was always an emotional refuge for me. During these trips home, I spent a lot of time with my little brother Jazz. My father let me drive his Mercedes SUV while I was in town, and I often took Jazz on outings with it. On these outings, I began to really bond with the boy. We went to places like Barnes & Noble, the playground at the park, and local cafés where I treated him to coffee and pastries. The parks I took him to were Serrania Park and the Woodland Hills recreation center. I like to watch him play in the playground at these parks, because those were the exact same playgrounds I played in when I was his age… When my life as actually happy. As I watched him, I dreamed about that happy life I used to live, before my whole world turned to darkness. I realized how much different my brother Jazz was from me at that age. While I was shy, short, and physically weak; Jazz was tall for his age and very social. He had no problem going up to other boys at the playground and making instant friends. I began to form a bitter envy towards him, though I hid it really well. My little brother had all the potential to grow up to be a popular kid and live the life I was never able to live. I cursed the world for granting my little brother Jazz so many more advantages than me. I tried not to let this ruin my relationship with him. (Rodger, s. 116, alaotsikko: "21 Years old")

In Santa Barbara, I spent almost all of my time in my room, brooding. I began building on all of my philosophical views and theories about the world. I had to question why things were the way they were. [-- --] I concluded that women are flawed. There is something mentally wrong with the way their brains are wired, as if they haven’t evolved from animal-like thinking. They are incapable of reason or thinking rationally. They are like animals, completely controlled by their primal, depraved emotions and impulses. That is why they are attracted to barbaric, wild, beast-like men. They are beasts themselves. Beasts should not be able to have any rights in a civilized society. If their wickedness is not contained, the whole of humanity will be held back from advancement to a more civilized state. (Rodger, s. 117, alaotsikko: "21 Years old")

After a lot of thinking, I came to the conclusion that the Day of Retribution will take place in Isla Vista. On weekend nights, the streets of Isla Vista are always flooded with young couples and good-looking popular kids walking to their parties. What better place is there to exact my Retribution on my enemies? (Rodger, s. 118, alaotsikko: "21 Years old")

This goal would give me five months to plan and prepare. Five more months of life, but then again I wouldn’t even call it life. The existence I’ve had on this world during the last eight years is anything but life. A feeling of overwhelming dizziness and anxiety swept over me. I was actually going to die. I couldn’t believe it. Then I realized that my life was already over anyway. (Rodger, s. 119, alaotsikko: "21 Years old")

While I visited home, my parents, along with my psychiatrist Dr. Charles Sophy, arranged for a counsellor to meet me frequently and help me out with my life. His name was Gavin Linderman, a cleancut twenty five-year-old. He had a similar role to Tony, my old counsellor from the regional center back when I was nineteen, except Gavin was much younger and acted more like a friend who could take me out to places. Every time I went back to visit my parents, I would meet up with Gavin once. We usually met up at a restaurant somewhere, or went on a hike. I told him about all of my problems with girls, and all of the hardships I’ve had to face in Santa Barbara. Being familiar with Isla Vista himself, since he spent a great deal of time there when he was younger, he confirmed to me that yes, the girls in Isla Vista prefer tall, muscular, rowdy jock-type men. Gavin was the only young person I really interacted with at the time, besides the occasional meetings with Philip and Addison. He was a good-looking guy, with a chiseled jaw and bright blonde hair. Whenever we went out to a restaurant, or anywhere that had girls, I got extremely jealous when I saw that girls were checking him out instead of me. (Rodger, s. 119, alaotsikko: "21 Years old")

I realized that I didn’t want to give up on life in this world. I wanted to live a happy life, a life in which I could have a beautiful girlfriend and experience this amazing world with her. I decided that since my plans for the Day of Retribution wouldn’t be taking place until November, I could use the time I had during the summer to give life another chance; one last chance before the end, one last ditch effort to attain happiness. (Rodger, s. 120, alaotsikko: "21 Years old")

There were about one hundred people at that party, and everyone was socializing with a group of friends except for me. I walked around in my drunken confidence for a few moments, helped myself to the beer they had, and tried to act like a normal party-goer. I soon became frustrated that no one was paying any attention to me, particularly the girls. [-- --] As I stumbled a few yards down Del Playa with my shattered leg, I realized that someone had stolen my Gucci sunglasses that my mother had given me. I loved those sunglasses, and had to get them back. I vehemently turned around and staggered back towards the party. At that point, I was so drunk that I forgot where the party was, and ended up walking onto the front yard of the house next to it, demanding to know who took my sunglasses. The people in this house must have been friends with the ones I previously fought with, for they greeted me with vicious hostility. They called me names like “faggot” and “pussy”, typical things those types of scumbags would say. A whole group of the obnoxious brutes came up and dragged me onto their driveway, pushing and hitting me. I wanted to fight and kill them all. (Rodger, s. 122, alaotsikko: "21 Years old")

My broken leg was a setback, of course. Even with surgery, I’d have to be in crutches for six weeks, and even after that it would take a while to be able to walk normally again. I figured I won’t be walking normally until October. There was no way I’d be well enough to prepare for the Day of Retribution by November. There was too little time. I made a new plan to set the ultimate and final date for the Day of Retribution to be at the end of the Spring of 2014. This would give me plenty of time to prepare. The Day of Retribution was now my whole reason for living. It’s all I have to live for. This act of deadly vengeance against the people who have wronged me is my sole purpose on this world. I needed as much time as possible in order to plan it efficiently. Postponing the Day of Retribution also gave me a few more months of life. Perhaps I would also use that time to look for a way out. I have always been itching for a way out of this, and even with the recent events that had occurred, a small part of me still clung to that inkling of hope. (Rodger, s. 124, alaotsikko: "22 Years old")

When we finally did get to my situation, Dr. Sophy ended up giving me the same useless advice that every other psychiatrist, psychologist, and counsellor had given me in the past. I don’t know why my parents wasted money on therapy, as it will never help me in my struggle against such a cruel and unjust world. The doctor ended up dismissing it by prescribing me a controversial medication, Risperidone. After researching this medication, I found that it was the absolute wrong thing for me to take. I refused to take it, and I never saw Dr. Sophy again after that. (Rodger, s. 125, alaotsikko: "22 Years old")

To make me feel more confident, my mother provided me with a better car to drive in Santa Barbara, a BMW 3 series Coupe. I had always wanted this, since I cared a lot about my appearance. I had been asking my parents for a more upper-class car ever since I found out that there was a car hierarchy, and that some students at my college drove better cars than others. Now I was one of the students with a better, high-class car. Having a nicer car than most other students my age did indeed make me feel more confident. Mother should have bought this car for me when I first moved to Santa Barbara. It made me feel better about going out more while I was there. This, coupled with my newly healed leg, gave me one last twinge of hope as the remaining months of 2013 passed. (Rodger, s. 128, alaotsikko: "22 Years old")

Two new housemates moved into my apartment for the Autumn semester. They were two foreign Asian students who attended UCSB. These were the biggest nerds I had ever seen, and they were both very ugly with annoying voices. My last two housemates, Chris and Jon, were nerds as well, but at least they were friendly and pleasant. These two new ones were utterly repulsive, and one of them had a very rebellious demeanor about him. He went out of his way to start arguments with me whenever I raised the issue of the noise he made. Hell, even living with Spencer was more pleasant than these two idiots. I knew that when the Day of Retribution came, I would have to kill my housemates to get them out of the way. If they were pleasant to live with, I would regret having to kill them, but due to their behavior I now had no regrets about such a prospect. In fact, I’d even enjoy stabbing them both to death while they slept. (Rodger, s. 128, alaotsikko: "22 Years old")

It was time to plot exactly what I will do on the Day of Retribution. I will be a god, punishing women and all of humanity for their depravity. I will finely deliver to them all of the pain and suffering they’ve dealt to me for so long. The first thing I had to consider was the exact date it will take place. Valentine’s Day would have been very fitting, since it was the holiday that made me feel the most miserable and insulted, the holiday in which young couples celebrated their happy lives together. The problem was that Valentine’s Day was only a month away. I needed more time than that. Also, on Valentine’s Day most young couples will be spread out in various restaurants in the city instead of being packed together at parties in Isla Vista. (Rodger, s. 131, alaotsikko: "22 Years old")

I had enough extra money saved up to live comfortably and indulgently before I die. I didn’t spend all of it though, for I still needed supplies that were vital to my plans. First, I needed to buy a third handgun, just in case one of them jams. I needed two working handguns at the same time, as that was how I planned to commit suicide; with two simultaneous shots to the head. I also needed to buy magazine clips and ammunition, as well as knives and carrying cases for my equipment. (Rodger, s. 131, alaotsikko: "22 Years old")

On the day before the Day of Retribution, I will start the First Phase of my vengeance: Silently killing as many people as I can around Isla Vista by luring them into my apartment through some form of trickery. The first people I would have to kill are my two housemates, to secure the entire apartment for myself as my personal torture and killing chamber. After that, I will start luring people into my apartment, knock them out with a hammer, and slit their throats. I will torture some of the good looking people before I kill them, assuming that the good looking ones had the best sex lives. All of that pleasure they had in life, I will punish by bringing them pain and suffering. I have lived a life of pain and suffering, and it was time to bring that pain to people who actually deserve it. I will cut them, flay them, strip all the skin off their flesh, and pour boiling water all over them while they are still alive, as well as any other form of torture I could possibly think of. When they are dead, I will behead them and keep their heads in a bag, for their heads will play a major role in the final phase. (Rodger, s. 132, alaotsikko: "22 Years old")

Women represent everything that is unfair with this world, and in order to make the world a fair place, they must all be eradicated. A few women would be spared, however, for the sake of reproduction. These women would be kept and bred in secret labs. There, they will be artificially inseminated with sperm samples in order to produce offspring. Their depraved nature will slowly be bred out of them in time. Future generations of men would be oblivious to these remaining women’s existence, and that is for the best. If a man grows up without knowing of the existence of women, there will be no desire for sex. Sexuality will completely cease to exist. Love will cease to exist. There will no longer be any imprint of such concepts in the human psyche. It is the only way to purify the world. In such a pure world, the man’s mind can develop to greater heights than ever before. Future generations will live their lives free of having to worry about the barbarity of sex and women, which will enable them to expand their intelligence and advance the human race to a state of perfect civilization. (Rodger, s. 136-137, alaotsikko: "22 Years old")